Nonsensical thoughts

Dear Neil,

Mahal ko, the wind beneath my wings, the sunshine of my life lol. We’ve really defied the odds huh? Who would have thought that two people who met on friendster could make it this far in a relationship? I’m still quite baffled hehe but I’ve never been happier. When we first started talking, I didn’t think our interaction would evolve into something more. Quite frankly, I didn’t think you would like me that much because I was so boring hehe. I tried not to like you so much, but it was hard because you were so charming ^.^’ I was so afraid of getting hurt if I started to like you, but I’m really glad that you proved me wrong. I was so happy when you told me that you liked me and I was ecstatic when you told me you loved me (I still have that text saved by the way :D) I remember that I had a hard time sleeping that night.

The day we met in person was probably the best day of my summer :] I was soooooooo nervous, I was scared that you wouldn’t like me :[ But my anxiety went away when we hugged lol Gosh, and you smelled so good that day! And it felt really good when you would stroke my arm and my shoulder, it made me giddy hehe. Then when we had to leave, I was sad, but I was also really happy. I didn't want to leave you, but I was glad that I finally got to see you. Next year we'll probably be able to see each other more often :]

Neil, mahal na mahal na mahal kita. You have made me the happiest girlfriend ever XD I have learned so much from you and I feel that I can open up to people more because of you. I never really saw myself as a beautiful person but I’m glad that you think I’m beautiful :] You’re kind, caring, funny, smart, I really couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be my boyfriend. And you’re smile always makes my cheeks warm up X] I look forward to the day when we are able to see each other again. Until then, let’s continue this great relationship.

Always Yours,

Lily

Without any hope or agenda, I write this to finally get what I want to get off my chest. For the passed couple of weeks, you have shown no inclination whatsoever of wanting to be my friend. I’ve been angry, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been skipping meals. Not once have you shown that you cared. I wasn’t even angry about the snowcoming thing when we had to go back to school. I was angry because nobody game a damn that I was hurting.

By the way, NOT ONCE did I ever say that I sat alone at snowcoming. I said I WAS SITTING THE WHOLE TIME because I was angry. I never said “alone” or any other word synonymous with it. Maybe if you came up to me first to confirm my story, we wouldn’t be in this whole fucking mess.

Yes, blaming me, ignoring me, talking about me behind my back, and texting me to call me “immature” clearly shows how much you value me as a friend. And publicly humiliating me by calling me “childish” really shows how much you care. Did you think about how it made me feel to hear all the crap you’ve been saying about me? Did you think about how I felt reading all those texts you sent me? Did you think about how I felt when I got a voicemail from Danny cursing at me? No, you didn’t. Not once did you care; if anything, you seemed pretty satisfied that I was getting hurt. Did you think this would make the situation any better? No, you probably didn’t even think about that. I’m sure you feel pretty damn good to know I’m still hurting and I haven’t stopped crying.

The whole time, all you were thinking about was yourself. The ONLY thing you cared about was proving that you were right. You know, you’re the only one who’s going around talking about it? The only people I’ve told were Milica, Silvia, Haley, Shinee, and Rebecca. And you know what, we don’t even talk about it anymore, we’ve stopped talking about it after mid-winter break. Now you’re pulling something else out of your ass by saying this whole thing is “sexist”. Because I’m a girl, people believe me. Maybe it’s because you haven’t come up to me first to confirm my story. Maybe it’s because people saw that I was hurt. Maybe it’s because you’re the only one who’s been talking shit.

It’s not even about “who’s right” to me anymore. The main thing I was mad about was that you hurt my feelings. You didn’t even TRY to UNDERSTAND why I was upset. What you’ve done to me for the passed couple of weeks has given me enough reason to NOT be you friend. If this is the kind of friend that you’re going to be, I’m not interested in continuing this friendship. Your lack of empathy showed me that you have no respect for my feelings. What you need to do is get off your fucking high horse. Stop caring so much about your fucking pride. Whether you really are “wrong or right”, my feelings are hurt none the less. You can’t even apologize for hurting my feelings. Saying sorry just for that would prove to me that you’re a better person than who you’re already claiming to be.

Instead of going around asking people why you’re wrong, why don’t you ASK ME yourself? I am the one, after all, who’s accusing you of being wrong. You told me the night before that you were coming to pick me up. Those plans were set in stone. Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was on front of my parents, thinking my friends forgot about me? I almost didn’t go, in fact, I regret going. If I didn’t need a ride, don’t you think I’d have the common sense to call you to tell you so? Whenever I didn’t need a ride, I ALWAYS called to tell you. Maybe you should’ve come up to me to talk about it instead of going around sounding like a dumbass by trying to prove you’re right.

I’m angry because you’re not going to be “my doormat”? I’m trying to be a “victim”? Get your head out of your ass and stop over analyzing. I’m angry because I’m hurt and you don’t care. It’s that simple.

Finally, when you’re done reading this, do whatever you want with it. At this point, I’ve stopped caring. All I know is that I don’t want to continue being friends if this is how you’re going to be. After this, I’m not expecting an apology, I just want to have the say that I haven’t gotten yet. If you really do want to be friends and make amends, fucking man up already and talk to me. Give me a phone call or something, don’t send me a text or a message on Facebook. If you continue at this rate, trying to prove yourself “right” rather than TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT, I am only the FIRST friend that you will lose. I’ve already made my call, but I can still take it back. If you decide not to sieze the opportunity, that’s fine. I don’t need people like you in my life.

Maybe I should stop being so open with people. That way I can stop getting hurt.

You know, I kinda figured that I would be over it by now, but I realize that I’m still not completely healed. Even after months of trying to sever the ties of what was once a great romance, I’m still here trying to lick the wounds and I know that you’re still hurting.

I just want to let you know that I’m still thankful. I’m thankful for meeting someone so great as you. I’m thankful to have found someone who accepted me and who loved me most unconditionally. You never judged me, which is what I probably loved the most about you. No matter how many times I said I was fat, or ugly, or stupid, you always said that I was just “perfect.” Even if there were millions of prettier, skinnier, and smarter girls that you could have gone after, you chose to be with me. I’m still puzzled, but nonetheless, I was happy. When we were together, you never spoke of or looked at another girl. You have displayed to me the most extreme commitment, which I thought was unnecessary, but I still found the gesture to be rather sweet. And no matter what, I was always able to depend on you. No one else was willing to hear me lament or cry. Even if you didn’t say much to comfort me, the fact that you were willing to listen to me made me more than happy. You’re the only one, whom I felt, genuinely cared about me.

As much I miss you, I can’t keep holding on to the past. I can’t let what used to be restrain me from moving forward. You can’t keep looking back either because it’s not going to make the healing process any easier. We can keep crying about the mistakes we made, but we can’t go back and fix them. We  can’t depend on each other to be there physically through our sorrows, but know that you can still call me and tell me if something is bothering you. And you have someone already who could console you physically. Don’t worry about me though, I can hold up on my own. As long as I know that you’re okay, I’ll be okay too. Hopefully, we’ll be able to move forward together just as friends.

I’m glad to know that you have found someone new and you seem really happy now. However, even with someone new by your side, I feel that you’re not treating her they she should be. Don’t just use her to fill an empty gap and don’t act like it’s something temporary to suppress the pain. She doesn’t deserve that. Show her the same type of loving and devotion that you have bestowed upon me. Shower her with the utmost affection and loyalty. Make her happy the same way you used to make me happy.

Always know this, even though I am trying to move on, it doesn’t change the fact that I still really care about you. You have made too much of an impact on my life for me to forget about you. You have made an imprint on my heart, and there it shall always remain. Please continue to strive for the happiness that you deserve.

My dearest Joshua,

Wow, I’ve only known you for a year, yet it feels longer than that. And what can I say, that one year that I’ve spent with you is probably the best year I’ve had in my life. I know this blog may sound totally random, but I just want to do this for some closure.

I guess they mean it when they say "You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone." I’ve never realized what the impact would be when you’re not by my side anymore and I deeply regret not appreciating you as much as I should have. I’ve never realized how lonely I would feel without you. And it’s going to feel really weird at school when I don’t see you waiting by my locker anymore.

Joshua, you really are a good person.When I was with you, I actually had confidence and you boosted my self-esteem. Whenever people told me I was beautiful, I never believed it, but when you said it, I actually believed it. You never criticized me and you were always there to comfort me. Just listening to your voice always made me feel better. And I really want to say thank you for accepting me. I don’t have a lot to offer, but you still treasure me like a prize. I’m really glad to know that someone out there really loves me and cares for me. I’ve never felt so appreciated before in my life.

There were times when I thought about how painful it would feel to lose you. I thought the pain would be so unbearable that I would regret meeting in the first place. But I most definitely don’t regret meeting you. You’ve changed me in many good ways you continue to impact my life in a good way. I just hope that in the future, whether we end up together again or not, you are happy. Whether you find a new girl or not, I want you to be happy. If we may never speak to each other again, I will never forget you. I hope to see you again one day though. But until that day comes, just be happy.

Love,
Lily

Wow it’s been like forever since I last blogged. So the last time I wrote up my blog was….April 2007? Damn, it really has been a while.

Well, this year in school is definitely a lot harder than last year. Not only do most of my teachers suck, but I’m consumed in so much homework. I find myself procrastinating a lot more and sleeping instead of studying. My GPA has dropped dramatically >.< I’m trying to pull myself together but it’s so hard. I can’t keep myself motivated to do my work and strive for good grades anymore. It’s starting to make me depressed.

I don’t know why, but I just want to break something. I want to channel all of my negative thoughts into one object and fling it across the room and watch it shatter. I often find myself irritated or frustrated and I need to vent. Breaking something seems to satisfy me but really pisses my parents off. So I need to find a new outlet, however, I have not a clue what else to do. I’m not really the type to talk to another person, it makes me feel like I’m putting a burden on them.

And I’m breaking out like crazy damn it!!!!! Toothpaste isn’t working anymore and I keep changing my face cleanser. No results yet >.< Any suggestions?

Um, sorry about the drama. But I just feel maybe this would be a temporary outlet to channel my frustrations and what not.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! I’m going to see RENT tomorrow bitches! *laughs maniacally* It’s playing at the Masonic. I must prepare my voice for I am probably going to sing along to every song *.*

Next time I post, I’ll tell you guys how good it was XD!!!!

Love,
Lily

Man oh man, this break is sooo depressing.  I hate that feeling that I get right after Christmas. The cheer is gone, families go home, it’s so depressing.

Also, I got a lot of money, but I spent a lot of it fast. I went from $120 to $25. And I feel like buying something. Yet at the same time, I really want to save my money. I’ve decided to buy anything until I get my next allowance on Sunday because I need to buy some liner and maybe some shaving cream. Then I’ll deposit the rest in the bank. I’m going to force myself not to shop so often and deposit money every other week or so. *sigh* It’s like I’m creating my own rehab.

Drama aside, MY DAD IS GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES THIS MONTH! I forgot what week it’s going to be, but yeah, I just wanted to announce that.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. New pictures are coming soon.

Love,
Lily

Crap. Don’t you just hate it when you’ve had the same songs stuck in your head? Wouldn’t hate it if it’s been stuck in your head for 3 weeks? Well I do, it’s very annoying and distracting. In the middle of honors bio, I’d be singing "If I only had a brain" See what musicals can do to a person? Anyway, the production is officially over, last night was our last performance. Overall, I think that our best performance was our first one which was on Thursday. On Friday, I kept missing my cues and missing notes. Being part of this production has been great. But I’ve had so much homework this week. And I was sick! I missed 4 days of Global History and English and 2 days of Honors Bio. The amount of homework is overwhelming. It sucks. Big time. At least I got to see the musical for free. And I get extra credit for band and English.

Hopefully, I can participate on the actual stage for the next musical. That means that I can’t continue marching band though =( Decisions, decisions. I guess it depends on what the next production is going to be. If I’m not really into it, then I’ll be in marching band and be back in the pit. Pit was fun anyway. Too bad that most members of the pit are Seniors and aren’t going to be back next year though. They’re really a great crowd.

Mushy hasn’t been in school for the past couple days. That really worries me. She may just be sick, but considering the moods that she’s been in lately, there could be other possibilities why she hasn’t been in class. I’d really hate thinking about those other possibilities. Mushy has been having some issues with her dad and herself recently. But I really don’t see why she’s unhappy. There’s really nothing wrong with her life when I really look at it. But I shouldn’t say anymore. I just hope that she’s ok.

I wrote this thing for Inklusive about a week ago. I wanted to share it, but we ran out of time so I share it tomorrow. It doesn’t really have a title because I haven’t thought of anything that would suit it.

She sits there, staring at her expressionless reflection at the pool side. She’s thinking, thinking really hard. What could be going through her mind? As she dips her feet into the water, she hisses at its coldness. Let’s look into her mind, shall we? I sense an angry and corruptive mind. Several images flash by. A crying mother, a man jumping over cliff, a bloody razor…

She gets up and walks briskly to the diving board. We can see more flashes. A shadowy figure emerging from a bright door, a small room where a splatter of blood adorns one of the walls,  a bottle of wine shatters to the floor…

She reaches the ladder and climbs each step with anticipation. Out of habit, she chews her lip and it bleeds for the last time. The nervousness is starting to kick in, yet it’s disguised by anxiousness. Finally, it’s going to end. Its going to end here…

More flashes. The sun, big and bright, a beautiful meadow bathed in light, a small girl and she’s smiling….wait, who is she? Is it her? Her smile is so beautiful, so big and full of life. Thunder crashes in the sky and the sun no longer bathes the meadow. Lightning is viewed in the distance.

Her toes touch the nose of the diving board. "I’ll finally wake up," she whispers. A whisper so soft, she wasn’t even sure she said it aloud. Then she falls. She is forever falling, falling into an unknown abyss….

….she doesn’t resurface.

So what do you think?

Hey! Yeah I know, this is like my 50 bazillionth blog. But not everybody can post in my livejournal or xanga and I can’t figure out my myspace blog so I figured I’ll make some posts here. I’m won’t update often, my main blog is at xanga but I’ll occasionally drop by and try to entertain you guys with my "nonsesnsical thoughts" (hence the name of the blog *points*)

So I have the busiest 2 weeks EVER! This week I practice with the musical cast from right after school to 7 and I have homework. Then next week are the two rehersals that are 3:30 to 10 and then the actual performances o.0 Lord help me. If you guys don’t know, our school is doing a production of the Wizard of Oz. It SO should have been RENT or Wicked. I would’ve wanted to play Maureen or Glinda T.T It would be better than playing a munchkin or tree. Hopefully the spring musical will be RENT or Wicked >.< *crosses fingers*

Yesterday at Inklusive Underground, we had to write a short peice that related to the 3 topics owritten on the board. The topics had to do with something/someone special to us and guess what I wrote about? If you guessed the Philippines, YOU JUST WON A COOKIE! *hands cookie* well the topic I picked had something to do with reliving one moment in our life and I chose the time that I spent in the Philippines. I don’t want to type up everything I wrote because I think it’s pretty corny, but yeah, it’s kinda special.

So yesterday I got balloons. I thought "THAT’S SO SWEET!" but I don’t know who it’s from T.T And I got balloons today AGAIN! Either someone hit their head really hard or it’s some sick joke. Ok I’m kidding, I don’t think anyone would be that cruel (but you never know!)

Um….that’s it, I think? BYE!

Love, Lily